Finding yourself or getting back to yourself

 It's not that I have forgotten, but I am no longer that person and I desperately want to go back to being her but it wasn't ideal.

Without the hard exterior, abantu bajwayelana kabi (people take advantage).
The other day my brother was narrating a story and I was pleasantly surprised to learn that one of the people who used to make my life hell died years back. Had I been a tough cookie back then, he wouldn't have dared to mess with me. Glad he's dead.

Back to my point, I want to be a pure & kind hearted, soft spoken person again but being timid, naive and trusting is gone. Perhaps I am the person I need to be. Perhaps the trials and tribulations were necessary to get me to this point.
Trying to find a silver lining in every situation is what I need to focus on.
I am committing to the examen prayer before bed every night. Why did I stop doing it vele?
#prayerworks #healing #restoration #gettingbacktoself

1w

Gender Based Violence

 What it boils down to for me is that people will lie to women to get consent, just so they can say they didn't rape them. If you knowingly profess love (but you don't mean it) and proceed to use a woman sexually, you are no different to a rapist. Consent based on lies and deceit is no consent at all.

We have fathers abandoning their children because they never wanted them to begin with and they feel no guilt about neglecting their flesh and blood because our society has normalized men using and abusing women.
It's even worse when this is done to young, innocent and naive girls who have no clue what to do in relationships.
The way 'Christians' shy away from teaching and mentoring young people about courtship and relationships results in all these unhealthy situationships and children are judged for mistakes that could have been avoided.
I don't need anyone to agree with me on this, my conviction is sufficient and if the shoe fits ladies and gentlemen, go ahead and wear it!
Namaste🙏
.
.
.
#StopGBV #stophumantrafficking #stoprape #stopkillingwomen #coercionisnotconsent #coercionisrape

Vacation in Cape Town with the girls

Julius Malema calls Cyril Ramaphosa an 'ICEBOY', AND HERE IS WHY?

Dealing with undiagnosed and untreated mental illness

So I went on the internet this morning because I simply couldn't deal with my current situation. I found this very informative and helpful. https://www.healthline.com/health/my-bipolar-mother-refused-treatment-for-40-years-how-i-coped

My mom did not refuse treatment, she has never been diagnosed. I don't want to make this a black thing but generally if you can function profitably in society, we tend to overlook your mental wellness. If you are clean, can carry a normal conversation and hold down a job, we look the other way when the rest of your behavior makes no sense. In fact we will be told about an ancestor who had the same antics and how hilarious it was. My sense of humor must be seriously lacking.

It became clear as day when I read Eyebags and dimples by Bonnie Mbuli that what has plagued my mother throughout my childhood and even now in her old age was a mental illness, that has gone undiagnosed and therefore untreated for her entire 70+ years of existence.

I am fortunate that when I finally recognized the signs and symptoms in myself, I had access to a medical practitioner who assisted me through it and I am unashamedly open about my use of Prozac.

People often say that when you go through tough situations, it is preparing you for what is about to come. Clearly I learnt the wrong things from dealing with Fakazile. I learnt to lash out and retort. Something I can never do in this situation. I realize my shortcomings and inability to care for my mom's psychological needs.

Having figured out how to navigate my own healing and wellness by myself, without anyone holding my hand is putting me at a disadvantage because I now have to hold her hand and I am not sure if I know how.

So I will research and learn, I will fail and try some more until I figure it out because I love my mother. She is the only parent I have left. In her own way I know that she loves me, at least I hope that she does.

Healing of Memories Part 8

 

Church ladies, hang on to your hats!

My God mother and I have always had a strong relationship, or so I thought. I didn't wanna speak about it when I was first told about it but right now I am compelled to. Something in my spirit wants to release it.
I watched something on TV that triggered my disdain for the 'church nice-nasty' attitude. We have normalized it so much and we try to look past it because we're all trying to be good "Christians".
Having 'holy' parents put so much pressure on me growing up. I knew I couldn't reach their level of holiness even if I tried. I did try. Very hard in fact. Doing this feels unnatural and a betrayal to them.

Anyway, my God mother is the only nonfamily member I invited to my graduation. That's how close I regarded her and her unkind words about me cut deeper than I thought was possible.
The terrible awful things she was going around spreading about me last year and the things she said about me in 2012 are related in that she's accusing me of fraud in both cases.
Back in 2012 I actually attempted to clear my name and set the record straight. I sent her receipts, which she wasn't entitled to because I naively thought it was a misunderstanding. Wrong! She was pulling frenemy moves nje, just like last year.
{For those who have never been employed, there's certain personal information that you give your employer, like your home address so that they can track you down if you have things to answer to post your employment tenure with them.}
If "they" can find her, they can certainly find me. They have all my details.

My question though is always: "at what point does God feature in the way we live and interact with fellow Christians?". Why do we spread lies about people and then laugh and smile to their faces? This is not normal behavior ngesintu, certainly not a Christian way of life. Miss me with the nice-nasty church madams🏃🏿👎
#nicenastymustfall
#churchpeoplecanbesoevil

Sdudla Fatie Bhumba Ngidlingidli

 

I am fat, I eat, deal with it!

I have come a long way y'all. I just watched a video about the fatshaming this person received from her doctor today.

I have posted about this many times over the years. My own mother has known me since before birth but it irks her that I am fat & she'll be the first one to tell you that I have never been thin, ever!

When I was 12, a neighbor promised to give me wohloza when I turned 15 but they had moved away by the time I turned 15.

My lack of knowledge of how fat is stored in the body at that age led to a lot of mistakes, like vomiting food & then drinking umbhubhudlo (sugar water) for energy. I would take laxatives routinely every Friday for 2 years. Laxa, Epson salt, brooklax... were readily available & easily accessible.

I didn't know there was such a thing as an eating disorder back then, all I knew was that my body size & shape wasn't socially acceptable.

Fast-forward to 2001, where I lost a considerable amount of body fat over 8 months of 1 banana a day and 3 hours of walking from Pine street in Pmb to Agric campus in Scottsville(6,8km) & back.

It gave me an indication of exactly what it would take for me to consistently lose weight. Even then, I still wasn't thin. I could rock skinny jeans tho💃

And when I finally got a job I started the diet pills, name it I have tried it. Herbalife & Forever, I have been there! Shapewear too🙋.

Until I discovered Chastity & Cece, I was really lost. I didn't know how to accept my socially unacceptable body. And as RuPaul says, "if you can't love yourself, who the hell is gonna love you!"

I became excited about the body positivity movement & even discovered that there are people out there who are actually attracted to big girls, not as a fetish or anything like that but genuinely see big girls as worthy of love, as sexy & most importantly as normal human beings.

I felt reaffirmed as a person & began my self love, self acceptance and self compassion journey. It's not exactly a sprint but a lifelong journey.

I trust that people who struggle with body image issues or adults who feel like they have to settle for bottom of the barrel will find freedom to be through this post. #fatphobiamustfall #BoPo #dietculture #fat

I remember when we attended the Beatification of Benedict Daswa in Tshitanini a few years back and how I had to delay my lunch because the camera man covering the event decided he was going to zoom in on me eating, when throughout the day he had been focusing his camera lense on my other friends. The shaming of fat bodies as people who eat a lot/eat too much/ eat unhealthy foods /even eat at religious events/eat inappropriately comes naturally to most people. 

The fat body joke never tires. Laughing at people for their body shapes is the most normal thing on earth for some reason. The assumption that because you are fat, you must also be stupid and incompetent is so deeply entrenched and embedded in our psyche. I say this because of my experience, living as a fat woman, shaped like a Roman Goddess. 

Let's kind to people regardless of how they look. 

Shalom✌️