Dealing with undiagnosed and untreated mental illness

So I went on the internet this morning because I simply couldn't deal with my current situation. I found this very informative and helpful. https://www.healthline.com/health/my-bipolar-mother-refused-treatment-for-40-years-how-i-coped

My mom did not refuse treatment, she has never been diagnosed. I don't want to make this a black thing but generally if you can function profitably in society, we tend to overlook your mental wellness. If you are clean, can carry a normal conversation and hold down a job, we look the other way when the rest of your behavior makes no sense. In fact we will be told about an ancestor who had the same antics and how hilarious it was. My sense of humor must be seriously lacking.

It became clear as day when I read Eyebags and dimples by Bonnie Mbuli that what has plagued my mother throughout my childhood and even now in her old age was a mental illness, that has gone undiagnosed and therefore untreated for her entire 70+ years of existence.

I am fortunate that when I finally recognized the signs and symptoms in myself, I had access to a medical practitioner who assisted me through it and I am unashamedly open about my use of Prozac.

People often say that when you go through tough situations, it is preparing you for what is about to come. Clearly I learnt the wrong things from dealing with Fakazile. I learnt to lash out and retort. Something I can never do in this situation. I realize my shortcomings and inability to care for my mom's psychological needs.

Having figured out how to navigate my own healing and wellness by myself, without anyone holding my hand is putting me at a disadvantage because I now have to hold her hand and I am not sure if I know how.

So I will research and learn, I will fail and try some more until I figure it out because I love my mother. She is the only parent I have left. In her own way I know that she loves me, at least I hope that she does.

Healing of Memories Part 8

 

Church ladies, hang on to your hats!

My God mother and I have always had a strong relationship, or so I thought. I didn't wanna speak about it when I was first told about it but right now I am compelled to. Something in my spirit wants to release it.
I watched something on TV that triggered my disdain for the 'church nice-nasty' attitude. We have normalized it so much and we try to look past it because we're all trying to be good "Christians".
Having 'holy' parents put so much pressure on me growing up. I knew I couldn't reach their level of holiness even if I tried. I did try. Very hard in fact. Doing this feels unnatural and a betrayal to them.

Anyway, my God mother is the only nonfamily member I invited to my graduation. That's how close I regarded her and her unkind words about me cut deeper than I thought was possible.
The terrible awful things she was going around spreading about me last year and the things she said about me in 2012 are related in that she's accusing me of fraud in both cases.
Back in 2012 I actually attempted to clear my name and set the record straight. I sent her receipts, which she wasn't entitled to because I naively thought it was a misunderstanding. Wrong! She was pulling frenemy moves nje, just like last year.
{For those who have never been employed, there's certain personal information that you give your employer, like your home address so that they can track you down if you have things to answer to post your employment tenure with them.}
If "they" can find her, they can certainly find me. They have all my details.

My question though is always: "at what point does God feature in the way we live and interact with fellow Christians?". Why do we spread lies about people and then laugh and smile to their faces? This is not normal behavior ngesintu, certainly not a Christian way of life. Miss me with the nice-nasty church madams🏃🏿👎
#nicenastymustfall
#churchpeoplecanbesoevil

Sdudla Fatie Bhumba Ngidlingidli

 

I am fat, I eat, deal with it!

I have come a long way y'all. I just watched a video about the fatshaming this person received from her doctor today.

I have posted about this many times over the years. My own mother has known me since before birth but it irks her that I am fat & she'll be the first one to tell you that I have never been thin, ever!

When I was 12, a neighbor promised to give me wohloza when I turned 15 but they had moved away by the time I turned 15.

My lack of knowledge of how fat is stored in the body at that age led to a lot of mistakes, like vomiting food & then drinking umbhubhudlo (sugar water) for energy. I would take laxatives routinely every Friday for 2 years. Laxa, Epson salt, brooklax... were readily available & easily accessible.

I didn't know there was such a thing as an eating disorder back then, all I knew was that my body size & shape wasn't socially acceptable.

Fast-forward to 2001, where I lost a considerable amount of body fat over 8 months of 1 banana a day and 3 hours of walking from Pine street in Pmb to Agric campus in Scottsville(6,8km) & back.

It gave me an indication of exactly what it would take for me to consistently lose weight. Even then, I still wasn't thin. I could rock skinny jeans tho💃

And when I finally got a job I started the diet pills, name it I have tried it. Herbalife & Forever, I have been there! Shapewear too🙋.

Until I discovered Chastity & Cece, I was really lost. I didn't know how to accept my socially unacceptable body. And as RuPaul says, "if you can't love yourself, who the hell is gonna love you!"

I became excited about the body positivity movement & even discovered that there are people out there who are actually attracted to big girls, not as a fetish or anything like that but genuinely see big girls as worthy of love, as sexy & most importantly as normal human beings.

I felt reaffirmed as a person & began my self love, self acceptance and self compassion journey. It's not exactly a sprint but a lifelong journey.

I trust that people who struggle with body image issues or adults who feel like they have to settle for bottom of the barrel will find freedom to be through this post. #fatphobiamustfall #BoPo #dietculture #fat

I remember when we attended the Beatification of Benedict Daswa in Tshitanini a few years back and how I had to delay my lunch because the camera man covering the event decided he was going to zoom in on me eating, when throughout the day he had been focusing his camera lense on my other friends. The shaming of fat bodies as people who eat a lot/eat too much/ eat unhealthy foods /even eat at religious events/eat inappropriately comes naturally to most people. 

The fat body joke never tires. Laughing at people for their body shapes is the most normal thing on earth for some reason. The assumption that because you are fat, you must also be stupid and incompetent is so deeply entrenched and embedded in our psyche. I say this because of my experience, living as a fat woman, shaped like a Roman Goddess. 

Let's kind to people regardless of how they look. 

Shalom✌️

Healing of Memories Part 7

 

When I envisaged this journey, I anticipated that 6 months would be sufficient. I even told one frenemy, who advised that 6 months would be too long. I had planned to do a silent retreat for 7 days and then apply the techniques I have learned over the years to unpack and shred the negative experiences and restore my inner self. It didn't quite work out like that.

I have realized that I need to go back to the very beginning, it cannot just start with job toxicity.

Everyday is an unfolding of stuff, some of which I can't bring myself to even type or pen down. I wish I could evaporate this stuff somehow. It's easier to talk about external things than the deep seated stuff.

A part of me even suspects that my inability to lose weight and keep it off for life is linked to some of these issues.

I don't know if this is an actual memory or a picture created from a story I was told growing up of looking for food in people's trash because the nanny my mom entrusted with taking care of us was too busy enjoying life & not doing her job. I think that's why my granny (MaNyova) had such a soft spot for me.

I didn't realize that I would have to go that far back. Current events like the killings in Mthwalume also spark bad memories of people feeling & acting entitled to my body. As much as it is a perpetrator problem, being attacked leaves you with lots of scars. The complacency & empty gestures are not helping the situation at all. Fear based parenting is also not helping anyone. If you are a parent, make sure your child can talk to you about anything. Don't just say it, live it.

This work cannot be rushed. We gotta be patient with ourselves and show some self compassion.

There's definitely a bright light at the end of this tunnel but hardwork is required to get me there.

#healing #journey #process #patience #compassion #selflove #memories #StopGBV #stopkillingwomen #stoprape

Be patient with me, I am a work in progress. Shalom✌️

 

I'm not for everyone. I hate that I'm annoying to certain people. I don't get to dazzle them with my brilliance.

I am so tempted sometimes to ask people to look past the things that annoy them.

My former director once sat next to me, leaving 50 something empty seats in that chapel only to complain about my loud breathing.

I know I breathe too loudly and on occasion, depending on what I'm eating, I can be a loud chewer. My laughs are often too loud and sound like I'm mocking people. I am told that my questions are judgemental and I am judgemental, and I know that I am not - it's just how I sound.

I could spend the next few years trying to change these things about myself or people can learn to look past them or embrace them as my quirks 🤷

Growing up, I never talked much, so maybe some elements of non-verbal communication never developed in me, I am purely speculating here.

I have also noticed that my mom doesn't articulate as much as she gives non-verbal clues, which I often miss - much to her annoyance. Nevermind that she speaks indirectly and phrases things in an unusual fashion, I often miss the unsaid. It's not that I am aloof but I simply communicate differently. When people understand that, things usually flow smoothly thereafter.

Be patient with me, I am a work in progress.

Shalom✌️

Healing of Memories Part 6

 

I have come a long way. I just watched a video about the fatshaming this person received from her doctor today. I have posted about this many times over the years.

 My own mother has known me since before birth but it irks her that I am fat & she'll be the first one to tell you that I have never been thin, ever!

When I was 12, a neighbor promised to give me wohloza (famous diet pill in KZN) when I turned 15 but they had moved away by the time I turned 15.

My lack of knowledge of how sugar  is metabolised and how fat is stored in the body at that age led to a lot of mistakes, like vomiting food & then drinking umbhubhudlo (sugar water) for energy. I would take laxatives routinely every Friday for 2 years. Laxa, Epson salt, brooklax... were readily available & easily accessible.

I didn't know there was such a thing as an eating disorder back then, all I knew was that my body size & shape wasn't socially acceptable.

Fast-forward to 2001, where I lost a considerable amount of body fat over 8 months of 1 banana a day for breakfast and lunch, plus 3 hours of walking from Pine street in Pmb to Agric campus in Scottsville(6,8km) & back.

It gave me an indication of exactly what it would take for me to consistently lose weight. Even then, I still wasn't thin. I could rock skinny jeans though💃

And when I finally got a job I started the diet pills, name it I have tried it. Herbalife & Forever, I have been there! Shapewear too🙋.

Until I discovered Chastity & Cece, I was really lost. I didn't know how to accept my socially unacceptable body. And as RuPaul says, "if you can't love yourself, who the hell is gonna love you!"

I became excited about the body positivity movement & even discovered that there are people out there who are actually attracted to big girls, not as a fetish or anything like that but genuinely see big girls as worthy of love, as sexy & most importantly as normal human beings.

I felt reaffirmed as a person & began my self love, self acceptance and self compassion journey. It's not exactly a sprint but a lifelong journey.

I trust that people who struggle with body image issues or adults who feel like they have to settle for bottom of the barrel will find freedom to be through this post. #fatphobiamustfall #BoPo #dietculture #fat

Healing of Memories Part 5

I had a random memory flash of a mean boy I went to primary school with. I only  this week that his grandmother was a Jwara.

This person is now late, he died a few years ago. He is the reason I had an extra gate installed at home. He had no sense of boundaries.

He specialized at being teachers' pet or more like impimpi back then. He'd snitch on people who have been in trouble at home, people who are dating & if someone bunked or ran away from school, he would chase them & bring them back. Oh the teachers would send him to the shops on a daily basis, probably why he was not a top performer academically 🤔

My mom couldn't believe when I told her that these teachers used to collect money from us, to buy meat from the shop, which they cooked in our Std 4 classroom, full of hungry kids. 

Ms Mothlomi used to call me Ganpiki (Guinea pig) & Ms Nkukhu called me iStetelegu (I don't know what it means). It was painful and embarrassing enough to be laughed at in class, but he made it a point to call me by these names whenever he saw me. Even at home, after school, on weekends... I would cry about it at night when everyone was asleep and I was always scheming about the best way to commit suicide because I couldn't exactly tell my parents about my problems. Clearly I failed because here I am💃.

So when Nandi gave me the nickname of Snintshi in high school, I decided to embrace it and it lost its power. It quickly fizzled out. What does not kill us makes us stronger. I grew a thick skin as years progressed, and having Alice and Nhlanhla laugh at my outbursts and failed suicide attempts certainly toughened me up. 

I forgive him (the childhood snitch) and wish for him to rest in peace.

I have been advised, or rather told to put a positive story out for every negative one that I publish but I cannot force, nor can I fake positivity. I am on a journey towards healing and I refuse to skip steps for any reason. 

I am simply recalling stuff from my past. I will write about the positive stuff when I am inspired to, for now this is what I am writing about. This is where I am currently. This is a long winding road. 

Teachers have a very important role to play in their learners' lives, it is a serious responsibility and I hope the educators of today are better than the assholes we had teaching us in primary school.

Secondly, bullying is wrong. Whether you do it at home, school, hostel or online, it doesn't matter, nobody should be bullied period.

Thirdly, our brains are wired differently. The way people process negativity is not the same, even people who look strong enough to take it, might be suffering in silence. Let's consider underlying psychological problems, you may end up sending a person to an early grave unnecessarily.